A mystery company wants to invest in Kansas. Thank goodness legislators make us look alluring.


Hello, mystery megaproject company! I hear you’ve picked Kansas as one of two finalists for a $ 4 billion production plant that could generate 8,000 jobs and $ 2.5 billion annually.

Who might you be? Airbus? Amazon? Google? GameStop? Whatever the case, we’re all excited around here. You’ll be glad to know that Kansas legislators have been working day and night to improve the state. Sure, they’re speeding along a bipartisan package of tax incentives meant to lure you here. They’re also doing all they can to make things totally awesome in years to come.

Here’s a sampling:

Your workers’ votes will not count. Thanks to a ridiculously gerrymandered map that targets Black and Latino residents and progressives, voters will not have to worry about turning out for elections. The GOP will always win upcoming US House of Representative races, so you can enjoy total political stability. Those poor progressives and people of color can spend all their time thinking about your profits instead.

You’ll never be short of ivermectin or hydroxychloroquine. Do you worry that the medical industrial complex has kept you away from potentially lifesaving off-brand treatments for COVID-19? Our legislators have you covered with proposals protecting doctors who prescribe horse dewormer and other novel treatments. And hey, if those patients die, they probably had pre-existing conditions anyway. You’ll end up with a healthier workforce!

Your future workers will not know history. Legislators have made no secret of their desire to ban lessons that touch on our country’s racist past. Let’s face it, finding out the United States was built on the bloody legacy of chattel slavery is a real bummer. Once the State House and Senate take the plunge, your labor pool will be blissfully unaware of anything uncomfortable that happened in our country, ever. Maybe they should not know about labor history either.

Your state will not stop flirting with bankruptcy. Kansas has accumulated a hefty cash reserve and wants to invest. Conservative legislators know how they want to spend it: Tax cuts that will send the state straight back to the days of Sam Brownback. Don’t worry about that, though! I’m sure the state totally will not renege or rethink its investment in bringing you to the state. (You might want to cross your fingers, though, just in case.)

I could go on and on. If you want to make sure transgender kids do not play sports, we’ve been working on that. Further embarrassments from legislators? We have those, too.

If you must visit the Statehouse, though, I’d advise wearing a mask.



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